Otherness

Dear Aphrodite:

Since I know you very well, you will probably say that this letter is too long; that I should leave things for later; that I should not exhaust the subject. My answer to you, dear Aphrodite, is that regarding women there is no end in sight. We can be talking here forever and never finish it. Anyways, let me tell you what I have to say to you.

Your last letter, in addition to some things my friend told me a few days ago, made me think a lot about some things I have recently read in Simone de Beauvoir’s book, The Second Sex. A quote from the introduction (p. xxii) reads: “‘The body of man makes sense in itself quite apart from that of women, whereas the latter seems wanting in significance by itself…. Man can think of himself without woman. She cannot think of herself without man.’ And she is simply what man decrees; thus she is called “the sex,” by which is meant that she appears essentially to the male as a sexual being. For him she is sex – absolute sex, no less. She is defined and differentiated with reference to man and not he with reference to her; she is the incidental, the inessential as opposed to the essential. He is the Subject, he is the Absolute – she is the Other.”

I think that this is a great quote from her book. And I started thinking about that when my friend told me that I should stop playing around and start to get serious. Find someone, be with someone. And I am not sure if that is what I want. So, my answer was that I am with someone. I am with myself. I feel great. I am in love with me. That does not mean that I would not like to have a partner. I do. I think it would be great if I find someone that can understand that I am going through a very important moment of my life. That I may miss important meetings and may not go out. That I may talk about my project all the time and make everybody bored. That my life right now revolves around what I really wanted in my entire life: finish my education. However, I have not found this person yet. But I am fine. I am happy. And I think the reason I am happy is because I have started to think of myself as one complete individual. I think we women need to think of ourselves as one whole individual. It is hard. I know. We usually think of ourselves in relation to others, for instance, as mothers, wives, girlfriends, friends. Have you noticed how sometimes people, particularly men, introduce their wives? This is my wife, or; this is Jack’s (fictitious name – but probably he would introduce his significant other this way) girlfriend, etc. And then, if someone bothers he or she will ask your name: What is your name, besides Jack’s girlfriend? This has an enormous impact on our lives as women. Think about this. We (and I am not saying that man does not think that way, but they rarely express such concern) are most of the time (avoiding saying always) thinking about our lives in relation to man. We are happy professionally, but there is something missing and we automatically assume it is a man (or another woman). We are not, it seems, satisfied with ourselves. And this is wrong. This is counterintuitive. We need to be more in love with ourselves. We are whole individuals. Our partners are there to add to our lives. Not to complete, not to supplement, not to subtract. They are there to add to the relationship. 1+1 is much better than 0.5+0.5. Besides that when we are incomplete individuals, we never enter the relationship with even needs. There is always someone who needs more, and we feel taken advantage of; however, we can only add when you are wholly, we are complete individuals. We do not demand from our partners; they do not demand from us.

So my dear Aphrodite, I think we need to first find ourselves, complete ourselves to be with someone. People are always complaining about time. That time is running out. But, I think that if you are so worry about it, it may be time to pay more attention about ourselves. To see how we can be better individuals to become better partners. I think we should always question ourselves. See where we are heading as human beings and trying to be good at all times.
I am not sure if I am wholly. But I think for now I am fine with me. I have learned to like me. To enjoy my company. And I think that for now I am going to stick with me.

With Love,
Athenas