Fear

Dear Aphrodite:

I wish I could wait a little longer to post. I have been trying to understand my feelings lately. I know you have told me that writing here will help to understand and organize my thoughts but I am not sure where to start. So, this letter will probably read very confusing. I hope not.
I have met someone. At first, he did not seem my type. Although I have to confess I do not have a type, I can tell he was not mine . After my broke up I have been comfortable with flirting. See, I guess it is safe that way. You look, he looks and from there nothing happens (rsrsrs). No complications, no trying to figure it out, no strings attached. I think I was playing safe. It was safe that way. The good part about all this is that the other person was also willing to flirt. That is it. So I was able to play my game because all the players were following the same rules. Then I met someone who did not want to play by the rule and everything changed. See, when you have been playing a game for quite some time and now you change tactics, it is hard to keep up. You get caught in obstacles unknown to you. And then you are unfamiliar with the game, what you are suppose to do, how to behave, how to be aware of the traps (oh yes, the traps that come when you least expect!!). You feel so vulnerable, so fearful.

Ok, enough with metaphorical explanations. I am afraid to commit. I thought that after therapy I would have learned to be more secure and enter another (still under construction!) relationship. But I think I still have some resentment from my past relationship. Maybe that is not the right word. I think I am afraid that it will happen again and I have not acquired the tools to survive this time. I will go all over again through the pain and suffering that I went through my past relationship. I told this to a friend who replied saying that if this or any other future relationship does not work out, I will have the tools and strength to deal with it. But right now, all I feel is anxiety. And instead of enjoying (he is a great guy, so far at least!!), I keep holding on. And you know how that hurts me. How I feel so bad when I have to refrain from being how I am and enjoy what I like.

Oh Aphrodite, I wish I could know the answer of the things that are happening to me right now. I have so many things going on and I feel that I need to hold on to my heart so I can keep on going. It is funny because I was reading Paulo Coelho’ book, the Alchemist, and I saw this great text from him. It is the prologue of the English version of his book. So, he is explaining the four obstacles for reaching your personal calling, what it is. The one that I want to point out for this post is love. This is what he says: “If we have courage to disinter dream, we are then faced by the second obstacle: love. We know what we want to do, but are afraid of hurting those around us by abandoning everything in order to pursue our dream. We do not realize that love is just a further impetus, not something that will prevent us going forward. We do not realize that those who genuinely wish us well want us to be happy and are prepared to accompany us on that journey.”

Yes my dear Aphrodite, I need to understand this; to realize that love and life go together. I think that I am actually really afraid of to commit. I am afraid of getting hurt. I am afraid of realizing that I do not have the tools to deal with loss again, to start over, to recover. I am afraid to be weak again. And because of that I think I have refrained myself from relationships (remember this one is under construction, it is not a relationship yet!!!). I am afraid of the new, the unknown. I am afraid of the ride.

Hope you are doing well. I miss you very much.
Take care my dear.

Love always,
Athena

Are We Humans? Or Are We Women?

My Dear Athenas,

I don't have an answer for you. All I can say is that yes, we are just humans. To feel bad or to be a bad person does not - necessarily - come toghether. So I think is ok to feel both, and, at the same time, feel good about it.
I have a confession. I use to keep my feelings to myself. I thought that, that way I would be a better person, more mature and responsable. I was superior. Well, it came out that all I kept for myself turned into something bad for me - most of the time demostrate in a huge stomach ache. Now, I say whatever I want, whenever I want... and being Good About It.
Goethe said: "Life teach us to be less harsh with ourselves and with others". And that's why, sometimes we feel so guilty about feeling good with ourselves cause someone else is bad.
My dearest friend, I tell you, we are women too. And all that we need to know is that we can be anything that we want to. Allow yourself to feel anything. You feel, isn't is just amazing? You're allowed to. So just do it.
As for me, all I can feel is a mix of weird feelings. I miss the one I thought would be the one. He's leaving his safety to fight for a bigger cause. And I, just another woman, am totally concerned with this. Well, at least I'm allowing myself to feel sad.
Funny... the other day a guy - someone I was seeing - told me I can't like somethings, just because I'm a woman... but he could, cause he was a man. I couldn't help but wonder... when did I stopped being a human and became a woman?


Aphrodite

"Live Your Life Until Love is Found"

Athenas, My Darling,

You are absolutely excused for your delay.

But about your last letter I must say, you seemed that you got caught lost in the middle of everything. But what's everything?
About your friend, are they affraid to tell you the truth? Geez, they shouldn't. They are the ones that should look at you in the face and say it out loud... I just can't believe. One thing that I take for myself is truth above all.
I've started going out with someone recently. It's been the nearest thing to amazing. By all meannings. And at a point I realized he was feeling weird about the sittuation. We were good friends before it happened. I don't really now how it started, just now that is great right now. It feels so right. But - and there's always a but, right? - I don't want to get into a real relationship right now; neither does he. We both left coplicated relationships. But it feels so right... what to do ? Talk darling, we talked.
So we sitted one night and straighted things up. Basically I told him that I wasn't falling in love with him. You should have seen his face, so relieved. Also said that I would call him whenever I wanted. If he answered, ok... if not, ok too. We will let the things go with the flow. We are living our life... will love be found? I don't know. And so what? Should I call it a relationship or break up. For what? Who carers?

Love, Always,

Aphrodite