Hearts Under Maintance

Athenas, My Dear,


I understand your fear. I have it too. It’s hard for everyone to live with the fear of loosing a loved one. We all want a relationship that lasts forever without problems. Well, I hate to tell you that there is absolutely no rule for this. My best advice would be to try relax and let things go with the flow. I’m sure that worrying won’t help. And, what about when things are not under your control? Like, a father letting his only child going out at night on her own? Or when the so-called love of your life goes to one of the dangerous place on earth? How to handle this fear? We live with it, is one great answer. Just learn to live with it, and it no longer will be a big deal. I live day-by-day doing this. Went from struggling to surviving to living. And I’m sure I’ll miss those days. Probably years from now, when I’m old and relaxed.
“Those days” will always exist, too. We will always look back and think how wonderful it was when we were younger. How everything was always feeling so fresh and new. How tender people were. We always had a better life in the past cause we tend to forget bad things. At least most of us. In your case, you cannot just let the past go. Don’t be too attached sweetie… I’ve been hurt and almost sure I will again someday. Doesn’t matter who, but somebody will hurt me again. Will I ever stop believing in Love? No. Will I ever stop dreaming and fantasizing? No way. I’ve learned my lesson. I have been deceived, I have been tricked. But no one seems to hold me now.
I’m sure I will be devastated if - after all - this waiting were in vain. Of course my darling, only natural. For a while I decided that I would break up, leave everything behind and move on. “I didn’t try enough”, I thought. The worst feeling, regretted for so long, you wouldn’t believe. But I couldn’t do anything anymore. I “deleted” him, literately. Untill he came and open one last door. This one I’ll leave opened until closure.
For now, I can only quote William Wordsworth: “What though the radiance which was once so bright; Be now for ever taken from my sight, Though nothing can bring back the hour; Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower; We will grieve not, rather find, Strength in what remains behind;“

Fear

Dear Aphrodite:

I wish I could wait a little longer to post. I have been trying to understand my feelings lately. I know you have told me that writing here will help to understand and organize my thoughts but I am not sure where to start. So, this letter will probably read very confusing. I hope not.
I have met someone. At first, he did not seem my type. Although I have to confess I do not have a type, I can tell he was not mine . After my broke up I have been comfortable with flirting. See, I guess it is safe that way. You look, he looks and from there nothing happens (rsrsrs). No complications, no trying to figure it out, no strings attached. I think I was playing safe. It was safe that way. The good part about all this is that the other person was also willing to flirt. That is it. So I was able to play my game because all the players were following the same rules. Then I met someone who did not want to play by the rule and everything changed. See, when you have been playing a game for quite some time and now you change tactics, it is hard to keep up. You get caught in obstacles unknown to you. And then you are unfamiliar with the game, what you are suppose to do, how to behave, how to be aware of the traps (oh yes, the traps that come when you least expect!!). You feel so vulnerable, so fearful.

Ok, enough with metaphorical explanations. I am afraid to commit. I thought that after therapy I would have learned to be more secure and enter another (still under construction!) relationship. But I think I still have some resentment from my past relationship. Maybe that is not the right word. I think I am afraid that it will happen again and I have not acquired the tools to survive this time. I will go all over again through the pain and suffering that I went through my past relationship. I told this to a friend who replied saying that if this or any other future relationship does not work out, I will have the tools and strength to deal with it. But right now, all I feel is anxiety. And instead of enjoying (he is a great guy, so far at least!!), I keep holding on. And you know how that hurts me. How I feel so bad when I have to refrain from being how I am and enjoy what I like.

Oh Aphrodite, I wish I could know the answer of the things that are happening to me right now. I have so many things going on and I feel that I need to hold on to my heart so I can keep on going. It is funny because I was reading Paulo Coelho’ book, the Alchemist, and I saw this great text from him. It is the prologue of the English version of his book. So, he is explaining the four obstacles for reaching your personal calling, what it is. The one that I want to point out for this post is love. This is what he says: “If we have courage to disinter dream, we are then faced by the second obstacle: love. We know what we want to do, but are afraid of hurting those around us by abandoning everything in order to pursue our dream. We do not realize that love is just a further impetus, not something that will prevent us going forward. We do not realize that those who genuinely wish us well want us to be happy and are prepared to accompany us on that journey.”

Yes my dear Aphrodite, I need to understand this; to realize that love and life go together. I think that I am actually really afraid of to commit. I am afraid of getting hurt. I am afraid of realizing that I do not have the tools to deal with loss again, to start over, to recover. I am afraid to be weak again. And because of that I think I have refrained myself from relationships (remember this one is under construction, it is not a relationship yet!!!). I am afraid of the new, the unknown. I am afraid of the ride.

Hope you are doing well. I miss you very much.
Take care my dear.

Love always,
Athena

When Is Soon Enough Before Is Too Late?

My Social Butterfly,

Interesting you say that. I’ve been thinking about the same thing. We share the same thoughts. And been there a few times, and also must say. I absolutely agree with everything that I read on your last letter. Actually I was there just a while ago.
When is soon enough before it’s too late? With my beloved one there was no such thing. We went straight away with a sort of no intention on doing anything. Looking back I think it was really sweetie, really slowly and respectful. At the beginning I didn’t want it. So afraid it would devastate our friendship. So natural, like we didn’t know what we where doing. Amazingly I didn’t started - as I said I was afraid -, he came all over me. We were so innocents and pure. Never played hard-to-get with him. It was almost impossible to fight that feeling.
Strange the fact that I was always so shy with him. All the nights weren’t planned, but the second. The night we went to the mess together. I left this home knowing we were going to this party together. Everything just felt so right. It felt so right to be together. Absolutely perfect nights, even because there was a lot going on with both of us. He never made me feel less than perfect, not even for a second. He knew me before he touched me. So stupid to say this but, it felt more like my first time, then my real first time. Like I was making love for the first time. Feeling, embracing and loving – with all qualities and defects – for the first time. Magical is not even close for how I felt.
To hug him tight, as he hold me while I crossed my legs around his body every time we said goodbye. Every time it felt like it would be the last one for a long, long time. The last goodbye was really hard though. I stood there looking to his train. As it started to move I received a message on my mobile saying that he would miss me.
We could, as we are doing now, stay a long time apart. I don’t need him here. Because I know that we will be together. Even miles away, a year apart, he is still the first thing I think when I wake up and the last thing I think before I fall asleep. But is still not the right time for us to be together. Eternity can wait.



Truly loved,
Truly loving,


Aphrodite

Does sex complicate things?

Dear Aphrodite:

I will not apologize this time. I love every moment of contributing to this blog; however life is just really hard sometimes and 24 hours is not enough. I have been crazy trying to achieve my goals and dreams and I have not had the time to think about some things that I know is happening around me. Important things, however. But there is a subject that I think I spent quite some time thinking about these days: sex vs. constructing a relationship. I will explain to you what I mean by it.

I do not think that the guy that I was interested wants anything with me. Fine. But, I am sharing this to a friend and she says that the reason for this is that I had sex with him too soon (after going out with him 3 times). See, it is not the first time I hear this. And every time I hear this comment I cannot believe that this is true. I mean, we are on the 21st century for god's sake and I cannot believe that people do not think that you can build a relationship just because you have had sex before, I don't know, 3 meetings, maybe. I mean what is the amount of time necessary to spend with someone before you can have sex? Is there a rule? If you are attracted to the person what do you do? Hold your feelings, wait until it is appropriate to go forward, keep wondering if they both will connect emotionally and sexually? I am not sure. The way I see is this is Sex (cap letters) is something very simple. I know people think that it complicates things. But I do not think so. I think it can be part of getting to know someone, sharing. But, I also think that because people see sex as something complicated, a barrier even, I can understand why I hear so many people saying that you should not have sex right away, and wait until you are crawling up the wall and you can explode of desire for the other person. That is just painful!!!

See I am not like that. I am not good at playing games, playing hard to catch, or complicating things. I hate to hold my feelings, to not be able to do what I feel like doing, to be reserve, and behave like a lady should behave (what is that suppose to mean anyways?). I am really upset about that. It made me cry. I feel like I cannot be me because I can scare, give the impression that I am reckless, or that I do not care. I also think that men, and particularly women, should change this way of thinking. I know that not all men and women think that way. I know this is not an universal rule, but you go through a lot of disappointment until you find someone that understand self-expression. Not a lot of people like secure, self-assuring women. Other women just think that they are too much, whores, or not well-behaved; men think that they are whores, hard to handle, or can leave them very fast. We need to move away from this. And I think we can only do that when we are secure about ourselves. This way we do not feel overpowered by the other person, no jealousy, no resentment. I can say to myself that I have achieved a great place in my life, I am doing what I chose to do for the rest of my life (I hope!!), I love what I do. And I think that not a lot of people feel that way. This can bring a lot of insecurity if you are with someone that does not have any idea what he/she wants, like, care. I am secure about my feelings, but sometimes when the world tries to complicate things I doubt myself. And that makes me sad. It frustrates me, makes me claustrophobic.

I am really tired of trying to be someone else because people think that i am too much, I overwhelm them, it is not appropriate for a lady. I am going to be me. I love be intense, I am passionate about my things, I overdo, I am a social butterfly, I like to talk to people, I like sex, I enjoy love, I can kiss the entire day, I do not care. You should enjoy people every moment of your life. You do not know when they are going to be there next time. Enjoy them like there is no tomorrow.

I am me and I like what I see. And I am not giving this up for people that cannot understand the benefits of uncomplicated joy.

With uncomplicated love,
Athenas

The Beginning of The New

Athena, My Darling

Last week I needed a male talk. One of those just a man that seems to know you, can give. So I reached for a dearest friend. He told me things I knew about myself but seemed to have left hidden somewhere in my soul, my personality, that I wasn’t being able to find it. He told me that, took me years to build who I am. My own way.
And my friend, I tell you. Most of the time is not easy to be me. I have to deal with so many different people and opinions - most about myself - that I don't know how it got me barely intact so far. I've been called names (quite heavy), worship, hated and adored. Sometimes, all at once. Acted cold, gave my heart, been all that you can imagine. Till I achieved, I found myself. So why did I, for a moment, doubted about myself?
Recently I had an inapropired reaction from an unknown. That was what scared me the most. He said something that touched an opened wound. Funny was that, that dearest friend said almost same thing, and it didn’t hurt. Why, just someone touched me? Why was I doubting?
I was remembering the first time I had sex with an ex boyfriend. He was a virgin and I already had a little experience at the time. We were both really young. At the time I simply had no strings attached with my body, my looks. I just didn’t care. Strange is that now, much older and more experienced, I started to care. Or even worse, letting someone make me feel that way.
But don’t worry, I feel much better now and won’t let anyone make me feel that way again. Cause I know I accept myself. I don’t doubt myself and wont let anyone doubt about me too. People can think whatever they want, so can I.
Nobody’s perfect, neither am I. But, who cares???

Otherness

Dear Aphrodite:

Since I know you very well, you will probably say that this letter is too long; that I should leave things for later; that I should not exhaust the subject. My answer to you, dear Aphrodite, is that regarding women there is no end in sight. We can be talking here forever and never finish it. Anyways, let me tell you what I have to say to you.

Your last letter, in addition to some things my friend told me a few days ago, made me think a lot about some things I have recently read in Simone de Beauvoir’s book, The Second Sex. A quote from the introduction (p. xxii) reads: “‘The body of man makes sense in itself quite apart from that of women, whereas the latter seems wanting in significance by itself…. Man can think of himself without woman. She cannot think of herself without man.’ And she is simply what man decrees; thus she is called “the sex,” by which is meant that she appears essentially to the male as a sexual being. For him she is sex – absolute sex, no less. She is defined and differentiated with reference to man and not he with reference to her; she is the incidental, the inessential as opposed to the essential. He is the Subject, he is the Absolute – she is the Other.”

I think that this is a great quote from her book. And I started thinking about that when my friend told me that I should stop playing around and start to get serious. Find someone, be with someone. And I am not sure if that is what I want. So, my answer was that I am with someone. I am with myself. I feel great. I am in love with me. That does not mean that I would not like to have a partner. I do. I think it would be great if I find someone that can understand that I am going through a very important moment of my life. That I may miss important meetings and may not go out. That I may talk about my project all the time and make everybody bored. That my life right now revolves around what I really wanted in my entire life: finish my education. However, I have not found this person yet. But I am fine. I am happy. And I think the reason I am happy is because I have started to think of myself as one complete individual. I think we women need to think of ourselves as one whole individual. It is hard. I know. We usually think of ourselves in relation to others, for instance, as mothers, wives, girlfriends, friends. Have you noticed how sometimes people, particularly men, introduce their wives? This is my wife, or; this is Jack’s (fictitious name – but probably he would introduce his significant other this way) girlfriend, etc. And then, if someone bothers he or she will ask your name: What is your name, besides Jack’s girlfriend? This has an enormous impact on our lives as women. Think about this. We (and I am not saying that man does not think that way, but they rarely express such concern) are most of the time (avoiding saying always) thinking about our lives in relation to man. We are happy professionally, but there is something missing and we automatically assume it is a man (or another woman). We are not, it seems, satisfied with ourselves. And this is wrong. This is counterintuitive. We need to be more in love with ourselves. We are whole individuals. Our partners are there to add to our lives. Not to complete, not to supplement, not to subtract. They are there to add to the relationship. 1+1 is much better than 0.5+0.5. Besides that when we are incomplete individuals, we never enter the relationship with even needs. There is always someone who needs more, and we feel taken advantage of; however, we can only add when you are wholly, we are complete individuals. We do not demand from our partners; they do not demand from us.

So my dear Aphrodite, I think we need to first find ourselves, complete ourselves to be with someone. People are always complaining about time. That time is running out. But, I think that if you are so worry about it, it may be time to pay more attention about ourselves. To see how we can be better individuals to become better partners. I think we should always question ourselves. See where we are heading as human beings and trying to be good at all times.
I am not sure if I am wholly. But I think for now I am fine with me. I have learned to like me. To enjoy my company. And I think that for now I am going to stick with me.

With Love,
Athenas

Are We Humans? Or Are We Women?

My Dear Athenas,

I don't have an answer for you. All I can say is that yes, we are just humans. To feel bad or to be a bad person does not - necessarily - come toghether. So I think is ok to feel both, and, at the same time, feel good about it.
I have a confession. I use to keep my feelings to myself. I thought that, that way I would be a better person, more mature and responsable. I was superior. Well, it came out that all I kept for myself turned into something bad for me - most of the time demostrate in a huge stomach ache. Now, I say whatever I want, whenever I want... and being Good About It.
Goethe said: "Life teach us to be less harsh with ourselves and with others". And that's why, sometimes we feel so guilty about feeling good with ourselves cause someone else is bad.
My dearest friend, I tell you, we are women too. And all that we need to know is that we can be anything that we want to. Allow yourself to feel anything. You feel, isn't is just amazing? You're allowed to. So just do it.
As for me, all I can feel is a mix of weird feelings. I miss the one I thought would be the one. He's leaving his safety to fight for a bigger cause. And I, just another woman, am totally concerned with this. Well, at least I'm allowing myself to feel sad.
Funny... the other day a guy - someone I was seeing - told me I can't like somethings, just because I'm a woman... but he could, cause he was a man. I couldn't help but wonder... when did I stopped being a human and became a woman?


Aphrodite

Revenge is a plate best served cold.

Dear Aphrodite:

Well, I have written you this wonderful letter. Actually, I did write the letter, but maybe in another moment I will send it to you. While I was writing you this letter, I mean the one that I did not send you (confusing right?!), I received some news that, how do I put it… made me happy (although I should not feel this way). Ok, I will tell you the news in the end, but let me first formulate some “justifications” to why I felt this way.

This is what I think it happens to us human beings (remember, I will use a general connotation. I guess to excuse myself I need to make sure that this is a generalizable kind of justification). We are in a relationship. It does not work for one of them. One decides to leave. The rejected person always feels devastated. She or he (I have to say that I think the rejected man also feels that way, although his way of demonstrating it does not always reflect that) keeps trying to find some excuse to recover. Some ways to go through this tough moment is to tell yourself that the other person is as miserable as you are. You want to feel, to know, and to make sure that you are not the only one going through all those horrible thoughts that wonder in your head when you are dealing with loss. It just sucks to be by yourself in this mess. I guess that is why group therapy works so well. You know you are not the only miserable person in the room. Everybody there is either just like you or worse. And then, you are contemplated by some news that makes you feel happy. That you were and are much better off without him or her. That you were able to process through the things that happened to you and you are stronger, healthier, and more confident. You’ve overcome. But the question is: is this a bad thing? Are human beings so sad (me included) to the point that they have to know that they are much better off than the other? What is it about this feeling that comes to your head and makes you feel good? It happened to me Aphrodite. And to be honest, I do not regret the feeling. Or maybe I would say I do not feel ashamed to feel the way I felt. It is almost like the confirmation that I am better off. And although I knew that and everybody kept saying that, I was only able to tell myself when things were confirmed.

Well, I guess I do not really need to tell you what the news is. Just remember that if you learn how to lose, you can emerge stronger. I have learned that, and I have prioritized myself in this process.

Do you think I am a bad person to think this way? Is this natural or it is actually me? Did I make any sense though?

With love and happier,

Athenas

"Live Your Life Until Love is Found"

Athenas, My Darling,

You are absolutely excused for your delay.

But about your last letter I must say, you seemed that you got caught lost in the middle of everything. But what's everything?
About your friend, are they affraid to tell you the truth? Geez, they shouldn't. They are the ones that should look at you in the face and say it out loud... I just can't believe. One thing that I take for myself is truth above all.
I've started going out with someone recently. It's been the nearest thing to amazing. By all meannings. And at a point I realized he was feeling weird about the sittuation. We were good friends before it happened. I don't really now how it started, just now that is great right now. It feels so right. But - and there's always a but, right? - I don't want to get into a real relationship right now; neither does he. We both left coplicated relationships. But it feels so right... what to do ? Talk darling, we talked.
So we sitted one night and straighted things up. Basically I told him that I wasn't falling in love with him. You should have seen his face, so relieved. Also said that I would call him whenever I wanted. If he answered, ok... if not, ok too. We will let the things go with the flow. We are living our life... will love be found? I don't know. And so what? Should I call it a relationship or break up. For what? Who carers?

Love, Always,

Aphrodite

“Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.”

Dear Aphrodite:


I am so sorry for taking so long in answering your last letter. I think I've got caught up with life. John Lennon has this great quote, it is actually a music, Beautiful Boy, that says: “Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.” I think so. And the reason that I have stalled writing this letter is because I have not thought about my life lately. Unfortunately, it has happened to me before. I have told a lot of things about my last relationship, but I did not tell you why I think (this is what I tell to myself) it last for so long. Part of it was that I was busy doing other things. Trying to be independent, to have a career, to be a woman and a feminist. There is nothing wrong with that, I might say. They are worth goals; however, I think, at least for me, that those goals made me really busy. And I missed the signs that my personal relationship was not the most health one. I do believe that I missed the signs because it is much easier to screw up with your personal/love life than your professional life. And I will explain you why. See, in your professional life there is always someone to tell you that you are screwing up. And it is much clearer in this arena of your life to know and to understand that. I mean, it is clear that if you can’t keep up with the job someone will take it from you. The likely candidate is visible and the threat is imminent. This is totally different in your love life or personal life. I guess most of the time we full ourselves to think that we are in control. We, and I would like to say most of the time, can identify the signs that things are not heading to a pleasant direction. One thing I am not sure though is why we do not act, we seem paralyzed. And I guess there are many reasons though and they are not mutually exclusive. You can deny to yourself that you have failed to keep a relationship; you misunderstand the signs; you do not want to be lonely so you put up with it; and it is true, you might be dumb enough to not see it coming. It happens we are all humans. But what I really want to say is that sometimes, when life is happening, we shift our priorities, we forget to be vigilantes of our surroundings, we miss the mark. And then, yes, shit happens. So, you are caught up in a relationship that it is not going anywhere (it is important to note that you only understand that afterward), you postpone any resolution, you keep going, hoping I guess, that when you have more time you will think about it, you are going to deal with it. And it never happens. You are trying to be someone. You do not want to end up like your mother (no shame on that, but you want a career), you think that you have spent so much time and effort studying that you cannot stop and think about other things right now. The great thing, and the worse thing, about life is that somewhere, along the way, it catches you without a slight knock on your door. At first, you are caught up by surprise. What have happened? Didn’t I see it coming? And then, upon reflection, you realized that all the signs were there. That your friends, not so explicit like your boss in your professional life, suggested (they are always afraid to be clear) that he may not be the right guy for you. That you are both moving in different directions, that one needs to learn more about life and the other has learned about life but it is now trying to understand it. That we were in the same boat, trying to go to different places.


So now, my dear Aphrodite, I realized that I have been doing this all over again. I have been busy trying to be the superwomen. I have enjoyed it, honestly. But I am afraid that life will catch me somewhere along this road. Usually, I have a clue about what awaits for me; now, I am heading to a blind date. It is very scary. I have been so sure about my professional life; personally, I have been very unsure about my love life. Is there a compromise? I can’t see it. But it is my own fault. I have been busy and life has not given me time to think. It keeps moving, on its own pace. What do you think Simone would say?


Sorry for the delay.

With Love,

Athena

My Frog Charming

Dearest Athena,

You are absolutely right, I feel the same way. So happy and relaxed being a woman. Love myself just the way I am. I'm not perfect tho. Just know my weakness and deal with it.
Indeed we have more options, in so many different ways. The destiny of men, usually, come to have to work to get a lot of money. We still get to choose, i want to have a baby but no pregnancy, i want to work and no baby, there's just so many options. We can be the same, go out and work a lot leaving our children with someone to take care - no guilty about that. Or stay at home and being a fulltime mom.
I was just thinking about my engagement. And why did I call it off? Simply beacuse I didn't want to spent my life with someone more dreamier than me. And worse, I dream high but feet on the ground. And I like that about me. But I want a serious man. Whom could be a dreamier but know what is possible and what is not after while. Not persistent in something that is obviously going wrong and just seems to attract those kind of thing.
Well, anyway, just like my mama said: "While Prince Charming doesn't come, have fun with the frogs". Doing it, loving it and being cool about it.

Yours,
Aphrodite

Doubts

Dear Aphrodite:

Unfortunately, this letter may not come to comfort you but to raise more questions about our lives as women. Our age difference tells me that I have been there. I have been angry with so many things. Angry about what it is expected from us as women. What it is "normal." "Is it possible that you do not want to be a mother?" "All women want to be a mother, get married, settle." But as we grow older, we become less resentful and worried about certain things. I am not saying that we stop questioning our roles as mothers, professionals, partners, or just as women; however, we learn to see things differently, in a less combative way. At least this is how it has happened to me. Of course, we all fear. We fear being alone, being in a relationship; we fear being a mother; we fear failure. We are surrounded by fears and uncertainties. But there is something about growing up, being mature, that has helped me understand all these (or at least most of it). The more we learn about ourselves, the more we know us as women, the stronger we get. And there is so much to learn about ourselves. I remember telling you that in my next reincarnation I would like to be a man. I remember telling you it would be easier. Men’s world is so much simpler. But I am not sure about this lately. I have thought about it and I think we are much more interesting, we women. We have so many options (besides the clothes!!!). We can do and be so many things. Yes, it may be harder for us, but doesn’t make it more interesting?! And be fulfilled? I am not sure if any human being is. I saw this great video by Srikumar S. Rao (see video under links). He talks about happiness and why we are not happy. He says we see happiness as a conditional thing. I am happy if…. I am fulfilled if…. And then we realize that things may not happen the way we want and then we feel unhappy. Happiness should be inside of us regardless of what we have. We seek happiness in things not in ourselves, thus we are always or most of the time unhappy, not satisfied. So, dear Aphrodite, to tell you the truth I do not have an answer. for you, or at least an answer that can satisfy both of us. What I have my dear is what I have learned or tried to learn as I encounter difficulties and fears: I embrace myself, I cry, I laugh, I question, I rebel against it, I change my mind all the time, I act like a woman. And I love every moment of it.

Talk to you soon.

Athena


Destined To Be... What?

Dearest Athena,


I've been thinking about our last conversation, when we talked about Simone de Beauvoir. Thinking I would end up more feminist than ever, instead it made me wish to be somebody's wife even more. Don't we all just want to be another woman lit?
Simone lived one of the greatest world's revolutions of the last century. We can definitely say that she contributed enourmously to women's "revolution." However, despite all her contributions to the feminist movement, sometimes I can still feel a little sadness in her words. My impression is that this anguish is due to the complex and ambiguous world of women. The same very sadness that I hear when women that never had children - leaving their personal life for professional life – talking about babies.
And so what? Are we, in one way or another, destined to never feel fulfilled?