Dear Aphrodite:
I wish I could wait a little longer to post. I have been trying to understand my feelings lately. I know you have told me that writing here will help to understand and organize my thoughts but I am not sure where to start. So, this letter will probably read very confusing. I hope not.
I have met someone. At first, he did not seem my type. Although I have to confess I do not have a type, I can tell he was not mine . After my broke up I have been comfortable with flirting. See, I guess it is safe that way. You look, he looks and from there nothing happens (rsrsrs). No complications, no trying to figure it out, no strings attached. I think I was playing safe. It was safe that way. The good part about all this is that the other person was also willing to flirt. That is it. So I was able to play my game because all the players were following the same rules. Then I met someone who did not want to play by the rule and everything changed. See, when you have been playing a game for quite some time and now you change tactics, it is hard to keep up. You get caught in obstacles unknown to you. And then you are unfamiliar with the game, what you are suppose to do, how to behave, how to be aware of the traps (oh yes, the traps that come when you least expect!!). You feel so vulnerable, so fearful.
Ok, enough with metaphorical explanations. I am afraid to commit. I thought that after therapy I would have learned to be more secure and enter another (still under construction!) relationship. But I think I still have some resentment from my past relationship. Maybe that is not the right word. I think I am afraid that it will happen again and I have not acquired the tools to survive this time. I will go all over again through the pain and suffering that I went through my past relationship. I told this to a friend who replied saying that if this or any other future relationship does not work out, I will have the tools and strength to deal with it. But right now, all I feel is anxiety. And instead of enjoying (he is a great guy, so far at least!!), I keep holding on. And you know how that hurts me. How I feel so bad when I have to refrain from being how I am and enjoy what I like.
Oh Aphrodite, I wish I could know the answer of the things that are happening to me right now. I have so many things going on and I feel that I need to hold on to my heart so I can keep on going. It is funny because I was reading Paulo Coelho’ book, the Alchemist, and I saw this great text from him. It is the prologue of the English version of his book. So, he is explaining the four obstacles for reaching your personal calling, what it is. The one that I want to point out for this post is love. This is what he says: “If we have courage to disinter dream, we are then faced by the second obstacle: love. We know what we want to do, but are afraid of hurting those around us by abandoning everything in order to pursue our dream. We do not realize that love is just a further impetus, not something that will prevent us going forward. We do not realize that those who genuinely wish us well want us to be happy and are prepared to accompany us on that journey.”
Yes my dear Aphrodite, I need to understand this; to realize that love and life go together. I think that I am actually really afraid of to commit. I am afraid of getting hurt. I am afraid of realizing that I do not have the tools to deal with loss again, to start over, to recover. I am afraid to be weak again. And because of that I think I have refrained myself from relationships (remember this one is under construction, it is not a relationship yet!!!). I am afraid of the new, the unknown. I am afraid of the ride.
Hope you are doing well. I miss you very much.
Take care my dear.
Love always,
Athena
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Does sex complicate things?
Dear Aphrodite:
I will not apologize this time. I love every moment of contributing to this blog; however life is just really hard sometimes and 24 hours is not enough. I have been crazy trying to achieve my goals and dreams and I have not had the time to think about some things that I know is happening around me. Important things, however. But there is a subject that I think I spent quite some time thinking about these days: sex vs. constructing a relationship. I will explain to you what I mean by it.
I do not think that the guy that I was interested wants anything with me. Fine. But, I am sharing this to a friend and she says that the reason for this is that I had sex with him too soon (after going out with him 3 times). See, it is not the first time I hear this. And every time I hear this comment I cannot believe that this is true. I mean, we are on the 21st century for god's sake and I cannot believe that people do not think that you can build a relationship just because you have had sex before, I don't know, 3 meetings, maybe. I mean what is the amount of time necessary to spend with someone before you can have sex? Is there a rule? If you are attracted to the person what do you do? Hold your feelings, wait until it is appropriate to go forward, keep wondering if they both will connect emotionally and sexually? I am not sure. The way I see is this is Sex (cap letters) is something very simple. I know people think that it complicates things. But I do not think so. I think it can be part of getting to know someone, sharing. But, I also think that because people see sex as something complicated, a barrier even, I can understand why I hear so many people saying that you should not have sex right away, and wait until you are crawling up the wall and you can explode of desire for the other person. That is just painful!!!
See I am not like that. I am not good at playing games, playing hard to catch, or complicating things. I hate to hold my feelings, to not be able to do what I feel like doing, to be reserve, and behave like a lady should behave (what is that suppose to mean anyways?). I am really upset about that. It made me cry. I feel like I cannot be me because I can scare, give the impression that I am reckless, or that I do not care. I also think that men, and particularly women, should change this way of thinking. I know that not all men and women think that way. I know this is not an universal rule, but you go through a lot of disappointment until you find someone that understand self-expression. Not a lot of people like secure, self-assuring women. Other women just think that they are too much, whores, or not well-behaved; men think that they are whores, hard to handle, or can leave them very fast. We need to move away from this. And I think we can only do that when we are secure about ourselves. This way we do not feel overpowered by the other person, no jealousy, no resentment. I can say to myself that I have achieved a great place in my life, I am doing what I chose to do for the rest of my life (I hope!!), I love what I do. And I think that not a lot of people feel that way. This can bring a lot of insecurity if you are with someone that does not have any idea what he/she wants, like, care. I am secure about my feelings, but sometimes when the world tries to complicate things I doubt myself. And that makes me sad. It frustrates me, makes me claustrophobic.
I am really tired of trying to be someone else because people think that i am too much, I overwhelm them, it is not appropriate for a lady. I am going to be me. I love be intense, I am passionate about my things, I overdo, I am a social butterfly, I like to talk to people, I like sex, I enjoy love, I can kiss the entire day, I do not care. You should enjoy people every moment of your life. You do not know when they are going to be there next time. Enjoy them like there is no tomorrow.
I am me and I like what I see. And I am not giving this up for people that cannot understand the benefits of uncomplicated joy.
With uncomplicated love,
Athenas
I will not apologize this time. I love every moment of contributing to this blog; however life is just really hard sometimes and 24 hours is not enough. I have been crazy trying to achieve my goals and dreams and I have not had the time to think about some things that I know is happening around me. Important things, however. But there is a subject that I think I spent quite some time thinking about these days: sex vs. constructing a relationship. I will explain to you what I mean by it.
I do not think that the guy that I was interested wants anything with me. Fine. But, I am sharing this to a friend and she says that the reason for this is that I had sex with him too soon (after going out with him 3 times). See, it is not the first time I hear this. And every time I hear this comment I cannot believe that this is true. I mean, we are on the 21st century for god's sake and I cannot believe that people do not think that you can build a relationship just because you have had sex before, I don't know, 3 meetings, maybe. I mean what is the amount of time necessary to spend with someone before you can have sex? Is there a rule? If you are attracted to the person what do you do? Hold your feelings, wait until it is appropriate to go forward, keep wondering if they both will connect emotionally and sexually? I am not sure. The way I see is this is Sex (cap letters) is something very simple. I know people think that it complicates things. But I do not think so. I think it can be part of getting to know someone, sharing. But, I also think that because people see sex as something complicated, a barrier even, I can understand why I hear so many people saying that you should not have sex right away, and wait until you are crawling up the wall and you can explode of desire for the other person. That is just painful!!!
See I am not like that. I am not good at playing games, playing hard to catch, or complicating things. I hate to hold my feelings, to not be able to do what I feel like doing, to be reserve, and behave like a lady should behave (what is that suppose to mean anyways?). I am really upset about that. It made me cry. I feel like I cannot be me because I can scare, give the impression that I am reckless, or that I do not care. I also think that men, and particularly women, should change this way of thinking. I know that not all men and women think that way. I know this is not an universal rule, but you go through a lot of disappointment until you find someone that understand self-expression. Not a lot of people like secure, self-assuring women. Other women just think that they are too much, whores, or not well-behaved; men think that they are whores, hard to handle, or can leave them very fast. We need to move away from this. And I think we can only do that when we are secure about ourselves. This way we do not feel overpowered by the other person, no jealousy, no resentment. I can say to myself that I have achieved a great place in my life, I am doing what I chose to do for the rest of my life (I hope!!), I love what I do. And I think that not a lot of people feel that way. This can bring a lot of insecurity if you are with someone that does not have any idea what he/she wants, like, care. I am secure about my feelings, but sometimes when the world tries to complicate things I doubt myself. And that makes me sad. It frustrates me, makes me claustrophobic.
I am really tired of trying to be someone else because people think that i am too much, I overwhelm them, it is not appropriate for a lady. I am going to be me. I love be intense, I am passionate about my things, I overdo, I am a social butterfly, I like to talk to people, I like sex, I enjoy love, I can kiss the entire day, I do not care. You should enjoy people every moment of your life. You do not know when they are going to be there next time. Enjoy them like there is no tomorrow.
I am me and I like what I see. And I am not giving this up for people that cannot understand the benefits of uncomplicated joy.
With uncomplicated love,
Athenas
The Beginning of The New
Athena, My Darling
Last week I needed a male talk. One of those just a man that seems to know you, can give. So I reached for a dearest friend. He told me things I knew about myself but seemed to have left hidden somewhere in my soul, my personality, that I wasn’t being able to find it. He told me that, took me years to build who I am. My own way.
And my friend, I tell you. Most of the time is not easy to be me. I have to deal with so many different people and opinions - most about myself - that I don't know how it got me barely intact so far. I've been called names (quite heavy), worship, hated and adored. Sometimes, all at once. Acted cold, gave my heart, been all that you can imagine. Till I achieved, I found myself. So why did I, for a moment, doubted about myself?
Recently I had an inapropired reaction from an unknown. That was what scared me the most. He said something that touched an opened wound. Funny was that, that dearest friend said almost same thing, and it didn’t hurt. Why, just someone touched me? Why was I doubting?
I was remembering the first time I had sex with an ex boyfriend. He was a virgin and I already had a little experience at the time. We were both really young. At the time I simply had no strings attached with my body, my looks. I just didn’t care. Strange is that now, much older and more experienced, I started to care. Or even worse, letting someone make me feel that way.
But don’t worry, I feel much better now and won’t let anyone make me feel that way again. Cause I know I accept myself. I don’t doubt myself and wont let anyone doubt about me too. People can think whatever they want, so can I.
Nobody’s perfect, neither am I. But, who cares???
Last week I needed a male talk. One of those just a man that seems to know you, can give. So I reached for a dearest friend. He told me things I knew about myself but seemed to have left hidden somewhere in my soul, my personality, that I wasn’t being able to find it. He told me that, took me years to build who I am. My own way.
And my friend, I tell you. Most of the time is not easy to be me. I have to deal with so many different people and opinions - most about myself - that I don't know how it got me barely intact so far. I've been called names (quite heavy), worship, hated and adored. Sometimes, all at once. Acted cold, gave my heart, been all that you can imagine. Till I achieved, I found myself. So why did I, for a moment, doubted about myself?
Recently I had an inapropired reaction from an unknown. That was what scared me the most. He said something that touched an opened wound. Funny was that, that dearest friend said almost same thing, and it didn’t hurt. Why, just someone touched me? Why was I doubting?
I was remembering the first time I had sex with an ex boyfriend. He was a virgin and I already had a little experience at the time. We were both really young. At the time I simply had no strings attached with my body, my looks. I just didn’t care. Strange is that now, much older and more experienced, I started to care. Or even worse, letting someone make me feel that way.
But don’t worry, I feel much better now and won’t let anyone make me feel that way again. Cause I know I accept myself. I don’t doubt myself and wont let anyone doubt about me too. People can think whatever they want, so can I.
Nobody’s perfect, neither am I. But, who cares???
“Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.”
Dear Aphrodite:
I am so sorry for taking so long in answering your last letter. I think I've got caught up with life. John Lennon has this great quote, it is actually a music, Beautiful Boy, that says: “Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.” I think so. And the reason that I have stalled writing this letter is because I have not thought about my life lately. Unfortunately, it has happened to me before. I have told a lot of things about my last relationship, but I did not tell you why I think (this is what I tell to myself) it last for so long. Part of it was that I was busy doing other things. Trying to be independent, to have a career, to be a woman and a feminist. There is nothing wrong with that, I might say. They are worth goals; however, I think, at least for me, that those goals made me really busy. And I missed the signs that my personal relationship was not the most health one. I do believe that I missed the signs because it is much easier to screw up with your personal/love life than your professional life. And I will explain you why. See, in your professional life there is always someone to tell you that you are screwing up. And it is much clearer in this arena of your life to know and to understand that. I mean, it is clear that if you can’t keep up with the job someone will take it from you. The likely candidate is visible and the threat is imminent. This is totally different in your love life or personal life. I guess most of the time we full ourselves to think that we are in control. We, and I would like to say most of the time, can identify the signs that things are not heading to a pleasant direction. One thing I am not sure though is why we do not act, we seem paralyzed. And I guess there are many reasons though and they are not mutually exclusive. You can deny to yourself that you have failed to keep a relationship; you misunderstand the signs; you do not want to be lonely so you put up with it; and it is true, you might be dumb enough to not see it coming. It happens we are all humans. But what I really want to say is that sometimes, when life is happening, we shift our priorities, we forget to be vigilantes of our surroundings, we miss the mark. And then, yes, shit happens. So, you are caught up in a relationship that it is not going anywhere (it is important to note that you only understand that afterward), you postpone any resolution, you keep going, hoping I guess, that when you have more time you will think about it, you are going to deal with it. And it never happens. You are trying to be someone. You do not want to end up like your mother (no shame on that, but you want a career), you think that you have spent so much time and effort studying that you cannot stop and think about other things right now. The great thing, and the worse thing, about life is that somewhere, along the way, it catches you without a slight knock on your door. At first, you are caught up by surprise. What have happened? Didn’t I see it coming? And then, upon reflection, you realized that all the signs were there. That your friends, not so explicit like your boss in your professional life, suggested (they are always afraid to be clear) that he may not be the right guy for you. That you are both moving in different directions, that one needs to learn more about life and the other has learned about life but it is now trying to understand it. That we were in the same boat, trying to go to different places.
So now, my dear Aphrodite, I realized that I have been doing this all over again. I have been busy trying to be the superwomen. I have enjoyed it, honestly. But I am afraid that life will catch me somewhere along this road. Usually, I have a clue about what awaits for me; now, I am heading to a blind date. It is very scary. I have been so sure about my professional life; personally, I have been very unsure about my love life. Is there a compromise? I can’t see it. But it is my own fault. I have been busy and life has not given me time to think. It keeps moving, on its own pace. What do you think Simone would say?
Sorry for the delay.
With Love,
Athena
I am so sorry for taking so long in answering your last letter. I think I've got caught up with life. John Lennon has this great quote, it is actually a music, Beautiful Boy, that says: “Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.” I think so. And the reason that I have stalled writing this letter is because I have not thought about my life lately. Unfortunately, it has happened to me before. I have told a lot of things about my last relationship, but I did not tell you why I think (this is what I tell to myself) it last for so long. Part of it was that I was busy doing other things. Trying to be independent, to have a career, to be a woman and a feminist. There is nothing wrong with that, I might say. They are worth goals; however, I think, at least for me, that those goals made me really busy. And I missed the signs that my personal relationship was not the most health one. I do believe that I missed the signs because it is much easier to screw up with your personal/love life than your professional life. And I will explain you why. See, in your professional life there is always someone to tell you that you are screwing up. And it is much clearer in this arena of your life to know and to understand that. I mean, it is clear that if you can’t keep up with the job someone will take it from you. The likely candidate is visible and the threat is imminent. This is totally different in your love life or personal life. I guess most of the time we full ourselves to think that we are in control. We, and I would like to say most of the time, can identify the signs that things are not heading to a pleasant direction. One thing I am not sure though is why we do not act, we seem paralyzed. And I guess there are many reasons though and they are not mutually exclusive. You can deny to yourself that you have failed to keep a relationship; you misunderstand the signs; you do not want to be lonely so you put up with it; and it is true, you might be dumb enough to not see it coming. It happens we are all humans. But what I really want to say is that sometimes, when life is happening, we shift our priorities, we forget to be vigilantes of our surroundings, we miss the mark. And then, yes, shit happens. So, you are caught up in a relationship that it is not going anywhere (it is important to note that you only understand that afterward), you postpone any resolution, you keep going, hoping I guess, that when you have more time you will think about it, you are going to deal with it. And it never happens. You are trying to be someone. You do not want to end up like your mother (no shame on that, but you want a career), you think that you have spent so much time and effort studying that you cannot stop and think about other things right now. The great thing, and the worse thing, about life is that somewhere, along the way, it catches you without a slight knock on your door. At first, you are caught up by surprise. What have happened? Didn’t I see it coming? And then, upon reflection, you realized that all the signs were there. That your friends, not so explicit like your boss in your professional life, suggested (they are always afraid to be clear) that he may not be the right guy for you. That you are both moving in different directions, that one needs to learn more about life and the other has learned about life but it is now trying to understand it. That we were in the same boat, trying to go to different places.
So now, my dear Aphrodite, I realized that I have been doing this all over again. I have been busy trying to be the superwomen. I have enjoyed it, honestly. But I am afraid that life will catch me somewhere along this road. Usually, I have a clue about what awaits for me; now, I am heading to a blind date. It is very scary. I have been so sure about my professional life; personally, I have been very unsure about my love life. Is there a compromise? I can’t see it. But it is my own fault. I have been busy and life has not given me time to think. It keeps moving, on its own pace. What do you think Simone would say?
Sorry for the delay.
With Love,
Athena
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